he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
