So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
