dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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