he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
