I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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