i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
