I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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