Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
