Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
