I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
