My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
they're like a gay fantastic four
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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