I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
