i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
