I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
