My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
