What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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