Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
