it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
