im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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