Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
