I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
