Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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