It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
