He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
