I wish I only lived at night.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
