Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
