So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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