....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I am one with the molecules
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
