guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
