Please, let me fuck your mom
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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