I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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