You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
