I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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