When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
