Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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