a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?