My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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