The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
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Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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