According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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