atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
