Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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