direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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