you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
