We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
