I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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