He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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