I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
