i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
