I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
