apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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