My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
