Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
