Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I need to stop coming to work sober
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
