thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
