Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
