Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
