Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
