You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
