ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
