So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This house was built for laser tag.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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