If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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